so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
