I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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