I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
