He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
