I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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