the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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