If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize