some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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