just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
