Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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