I met the friendliest cop last night
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
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