Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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