Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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