I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
