i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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