My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
