its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
