i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
