i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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