listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
