Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
