just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
