Michael Bay diarrhea
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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