I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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