Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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