it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
