I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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