I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize