I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
