my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
