I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
