at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
