dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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