I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
