saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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