Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
