happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
