FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
