The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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