Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
