im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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