this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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