so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
