that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
