FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
