my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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