My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
