I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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