He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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