he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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