My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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