I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
