Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
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