Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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