yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
