Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
