May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
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