worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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