Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
